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Saturday Morning... It was a rough day yesterday. My stomach has been churning for 24 hours now. All because of one person. No... I can't say all... there are plenty of other contributing factors. But, I was tempted to remove the entire journal or to hide the ridiculously long string of comments that caused most of the churning. And a spot on the Top Journals list last night. But I'm trying to grow thicker skin. So I need to leave it up.

I know my art has value beyond what some stroke jockeys appreciate. (There will always be stroke jockeys.) But it still hurts when someone accuses me of creating useless work just to advertise my body and to provide for those searching for fap material. As an artist, I cannot control how people view my work. I need to be comfortable with the fact that I make my art for reasons bigger than the small-minded can see.

Thank you to my three DA friends who helped me and supported me emotionally last night when I really needed it. You know who you are...



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Seriously.

I've been called all sorts of wonderful.

I've been loved. And I have loved.

But here I am... single.

And wondering what is a single woman like me to do??

I've just worked too hard and sacrificed too much to reclaim my life before it's too late. I don't want my passion and emotion and capacity to love to die again.

I certainly face some challenges.

I can't go sharing my art with everyone. But it's not something I feel comfortable hiding and then springing on someone after dating for a while. I need to know right up front that my art will be appreciated, accepted, and supported. I can't have it turned against me or cause friction.

It's also hard for me to get out to meet people. I have two kids. I work full time. I have little freedom for joining groups, going to coffee shops or book stores, or enjoying the local night life. I'm a bit stuck at home, for the most part. And I'm also shy. It's often hard for me to strike up a conversation.

I am intense in some ways. I mean, heck, if you read my journals and look at my art, you know what I mean. I feel, show, tell too much for some people.

And my life is in flux. I may relocate to northern California. Or I may stay here in New England. I just don't know. It's a major decision I have to make still.

sigh.... Well. There probably are no answers to this. I don't really feel hopeless. I do not want to give up. I've barely begun!

But I just don't know what to do.

I guess... nothing... yet.